Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Airing Our Dirty Laundry

I've really struggled over whether I should write about this.  This isn't going to be a funny one, folks.

When I started this blog, it was a totally anonymous place to vent because nobody knew about it.  Now that people read it, I feel so much love and support.  Hey, it's not just me!  I love the feeling of making others feel less alone.  This has led to a paradox...now that people I know read this, should I edit myself?

I try to laugh and keep things light around here, but we're dealing with some dark, effed up stuff I have yet to mention.

To put it simply, my son's godparents refuse to have a relationship with him.

Two and a half years ago, my son pushed their son, and that was that.  No more holidays together.  Sunday dinners ended.  They will no longer allow their son to be in the same room as my kid.  My son is autistic and therefore a danger to their child.

At first, I couldn't believe it.  I thought I was reading too much into the sudden illnesses and cancellations that prevented them from joining us.  But I wasn't imagining things. My sister-in-law won't have her son at a family event where my son is present, and my brother-in-law goes along to keep the peace.

And listen, I understand their concerns.  My nephew is a little guy and my boy is big.  Their boy wasn't hurt, but we didn't take this lightly.  I've been the mother of the pusher and the mother of the pushee, and believe me, it's much easier to be the mother of the pushee.

I understand the need to be cautious, but how can people cut a child out of their lives?  I've been so full of anger and hurt and how-could-yous, but I've kept it all inside for a long, long time.  As upset as I felt, I kept quiet because my kids didn't know.

They know now.  The other day my husband was supposed to stop by my in-laws' house with the kids, but his brother called and told him not to come over since they were already there with our nephew.  My older son has suspected for a while that his aunt is not exactly accepting of his brother, but now he knows for sure.  He seems hurt and angry and I don't blame him.   

We had to remove their pictures from our home because our little boy would just carry them around and ask to see his cousin.  How do you tell a seven year-old autistic boy that he's not allowed to see his cousin because of something he did when he was four?

I've heard of people who've ended friendships when their friends were not accepting of autism.  What do you do when it's family?  I think my older son put it best when he asked, "How can we expect strangers to be understanding if his own aunt and uncle won't see him?"

How can I possibly shield my children from this? 

I'm beyond caring who's to blame.  It may have been my sister-in-law that put up this wall, but my brother-in-law was handing her the bricks.  By taking the path of least resistance, he allowed this to put a strain on the whole family.  My in-laws are heartsick, hurt, and frustrated.  My husband feels betrayed, and my boys' hearts are broken.

That is one thing I will not abide.  Nobody fucks with my kids.

My husband will do what he thinks is right and I will honor his decisions because it's his brother we're talking about.  But me?  I won't be speaking to them until she grows a heart and he grows some balls.

So, like, never.

And why write this now?  Because words are all I have.  My words won't do anything to change their behavior.  My words won't take away my little boy's confusion or my big boy's bitter disappointment.  My words will likely piss off a lot of people.  I'm doing it because this happened to us and I know we're not the only ones.  I'm writing this for the same reason I've always written--to know that I'm not alone in this.  You're not alone in this.  If you've been rejected by family or friends, I'm standing with you.  And if anyone dares to tell you that your kid isn't good enough, I've got two words for you:

Fuck 'em.

19 comments:

  1. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. As someone who knows all too well about the betrayal of family, (my NT daughter's Godmother is effing my husband:), I can only tell you that you can't shield your kids from ignorance. They will face it, and all we can do is to teach them to rise above. I try my best to teach my girl that we should pity those who are too closed minded to recognize the beautiful soul in our boy. They will never know the joy of loving him. I'm sorry your SIL is such an ass. And I'm sorry your BIL is a gelding. The kids will follow your example. Make it a great one:) And BTW...my girl chose a new Godmother, and she couldn't be happier.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for sharing-many of us have been there too! the crazy thing is that we expect our families to be MORE supportive not less and they often let us down. Fuck em'

    ReplyDelete
  4. Did my comment not post? Damn, I said some smart stuff about that ignorant woman Kate!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Same thing happened to me Tina. Dammit!

    ReplyDelete
  6. And my dear friend Effin. I give you mad props!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you for your love and support, everyone! I am blessed with a wonderful cyber-family who understands!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh wow! That's crazy! Show of hands..... how many of us know a NT kid that pushed his cousin? That NEVER happens! Sheesh.
    My nephew (11 months younger than my son) was told that lZach was retarded and he could catch it" by my ex-SIL. Crazy bitch. Thankfully C told his Oma (my mom) and we explained that Zach has autism, that C can't catch it, and that Z really looks up to him to teach him cool stuff. They're great pals now.
    When they were 4 and 5, my nephew bit my son. Kid stuff. Would we have thought about keeping Zach from knowing his cousin, whom he adores? No. Again, sheesh. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Someone who is an adult needs to sit down with your childish BIL /SIL and explain life.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh wow! That's crazy! Show of hands..... how many of us know a NT kid that pushed his cousin? That NEVER happens! Sheesh.
    My nephew (11 months younger than my son) was told that lZach was retarded and he could catch it" by my ex-SIL. Crazy bitch. Thankfully C told his Oma (my mom) and we explained that Zach has autism, that C can't catch it, and that Z really looks up to him to teach him cool stuff. They're great pals now.
    When they were 4 and 5, my nephew bit my son. Kid stuff. Would we have thought about keeping Zach from knowing his cousin, whom he adores? No. Again, sheesh. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Someone who is an adult needs to sit down with your childish BIL /SIL and explain life.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is so important. The isolation autism can bring is huge.

    ReplyDelete
  11. That is disgusting and awful. And so sad that your kids have to see that kind of behavior in adults. I'm really sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Some people are just not needed in your life!
    If people can't be kind and treat all of your family respectfully then keep away.
    With time they may come round but probably not!
    We are here for you

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm sorry you have to go through this, and that your sweet boy is suffering from it.

    We haven't experienced anything on this level of awful, but my son is regularly slighted by relatives. My sister's two kids spend tons of time with my step-mother; he's not invited. He didn't get a present from my brother until he was 13. He was the only child not part of my stepsister's wedding (and he adores weddings.) To be fair, my stepmother always sends birthday and Christmas gifts, and my sister was kind and wonderful enough to give him a small role in my niece's bat mitzvah. I don't think he's yet noticed how left out he is, and I hope he never will.

    ReplyDelete
  14. From the perspective of feeling as if you may have to "edit" yourself now that you know people are reading... I totally understand. My blog is still in it's infancy but as I share posts on social media outlets (to gain awareness) I often find myself being careful of what I write. My most recent post I found myself censoring the hell out of. It was regarding a similar topic... the fact that many of my son's "old" friends have disappeared since his diagnosis (and the fact that I believe their parents are the reason). I didn't say all the things I really WANTED to because, even though it was a post to vent about the situation, I knew those kids parents may see the post and read it once I had shared it on Facebook. If they did, they didn't say anything. If they didn't, well they honestly should have. In the time since I posted it I've re-read it a few times and said to myself "I should've mentioned XYZ" but it's too late now. Either way, I've come out of it regretting that I didn't say what I meant. Here's hoping I can be more like you and have the courage to vent and not care who reads it!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm late to the party, but I feel you on this. My family has clash of the illness vertigo and autism. The stimming sets off the vertigo, so we're just not welcome at the gparents' house. Whatevs.

    ReplyDelete
  16. WOW ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS I HAVE NEVER BELIEVE IN HERBAL REMEDIES.
    my son have been a patient of autism . I had tried a lot of anti viral med prescribed to me by doctors over how many years now but I could not see any improvements in my son symptoms. One day while going through the internet , i got to know about this great Herbal Dr who uses his herbal remedies in curing people from autism,quickly i contacted him and he prepared a herbal medication for my son which i received and he used it as instructed by dr williams. After few weeks the improvement were very visible. the speech delay and the poor eye contact stopped, I would recommend this to all my friends,families,around the globe suffering from autism.you can contact him through his email on drwilliams098765@gmail.com.for advice and for his product THANKS TO YOU ONCE AGAIN DR WILLIAMS

    ReplyDelete