ASD Cribs! Or, Lifestyles of the Stressed and Shameless

Hi!  Welcome to our Autism Home!  The Boy is here to greet you, too.  Honey, where are your pants?  Remember our rule.  We wear pants for guests.

Come in, come in!  I'll give you the tour.  This is our living room.  Have a seat!  Yes, the couch cushions are on the floor.  That's how we like it.  Feel free to put one on the couch if you prefer.  To each his own.  This is our entertainment center.  Yes, that is a genuine tube T.V.!  It was the last one PC Richards sold before switching to flat screens.  We like it because when he bangs on it with his Handy Manny tools, he can't do much damage.  Notice the hand-prints?  We think they really personalize the space.

So, if you'll just step over the trampoline--doesn't every living room have a trampoline?--I will show you the rest of the house.  And by the way, would you like to see his box of decapitated and dismembered Disney figures?  He has quite the collection.  I think it just goes to show how remarkable he is.  Other kids just play with their toys.  My son bites their heads off.

What is that, you ask?  Is that an original Jackson Pollock?  Alas, no.  It's just our wall, splattered with chocolate milk.  The boy did it all himself.  I know, right?  He has a real creative streak.  We think he might have a future in action painting.

The magnet covers scratches!

And this is the kitchen.  Can I offer you some iced tea?  Great, let me just find the keys...Well, of course we have appliance locks on the fridge and freezer!  How else can we keep him from buttering the couch?  Not that we want to stifle his creativity, but you know how it is...butter on the couch cushions, couch cushions on the floor...it can be a bit of a bother.

Now if you'll follow me down the hall...No, I can't turn on the light.  We took the light bulb out of the fixture in the hallway because he would turn on the lights in the middle of the night and wake us all up.  He still wakes us up, but at least he doesn't hurt our eyes!

These walls were,well, redesigned when we foolishly thought we could keep him in one part of the house using baby gates.  How silly of us!  He's just so gosh-darned determined.  But we really like the effect.  It's like our own little homage to the great crumbling villas of old Tuscany, or...what's that other place?  Pompeii?  Wasn't that the city that was destroyed by a volcano?  Yes, like that.

This is our bedroom.  Yes, we love the "shabby chic" look!  It's taken us years to achieve it.  You see, when my husband and I got married, we bought nice things.  Then we got a dog and had children, and voila!  All that tacky newness and "cleanliness" has worn away and we have this look.  It's more authentic that way, don't you think?

The bathroom--decorated in beautiful Disney decals!  Yes, we do have soap, but we have to hide it, or else he'll squeeze it all into the sink.  Don't walk barefoot in there.  The boy is trying to learn to pee standing up.  Practice makes perfect!

Here is Big Bro's room.  He has a slide-latch on his door, but as you can see, the boy used an overturned wastebasket from the bathroom as a step-stool so he could unlock it and get in.  How clever!  It doesn't worry him that the wastebasket was full.  Don't worry; the dog will get that.  So yes, Big Bro's room--oh, look!  They're fighting!  Let me just close this door...

Hulk Smash!

And now, the pièce de résistance!  The boy's room!  See how we sawed his door in half?  We did that so we could keep him from wandering in the middle of the night.  But, as you can see, he hulked out during a time-out and ripped the door apart.  So strong!

So, that's the tour!  I'd show you the yard, but the gate has a lock on it and I can't remember the combination, so you'd have to stay forever.  Tempting, I know.  Hey, why don't I take a warm bottle from the broken wine fridge, and we'll chillax on the floor in front of some Raffi on VHS?  The party just never stops around here!